Who's Got The Power?

Trudy from the recruitment agency calls me again! She keeps trying to fix me up with work. I'm not sure if I want to work. I want to know what the pay will be - if it's worth my while. I want to know exactly what the work entails, and what level of experience they're looking for, and does it match closely with the experience I've got. I want to know what skills I might gain from it, and if that fits with my evolving game plan.

Something magical happens. Something that has never happened to me before. She starts trying to persuade me. She offers me a sweetener if I'll take the job. She almost, very nearly, begs me to take it. She needs me to take it more than I need it. She's the one who is desperate, not me! I feel I've got a power I've never had before. I could push it, I could negotiate for a sweeter deal, for something more on my own terms... I've heard other people talk about this, but I've never had the gumption, or confidence, or security to try it. I've always been desperate for any job I go for. I've always made myself super-agreeable, with the attitude that I can make myself whatever it is that they're looking for. And I've always been up against competition that makes me quake. I've always been pitching outside my comfort zone. The power has always totally been with 'them' - the employers with a vacancy. This is something new, and I like it.

What's more amazing is that even when I turn down the job, she keeps calling me. Another job that might suit... I sense in her voice a feeling that I'm all too familiar with - the 'I have to keep chasing, even though I'd rather not.' Don't get me wrong, I know she's not chasing me because I'm excellent at my job - I've a feeling she wouldn't know if I was good, bad or indifferent. That's not the point here.

I also wonder, being choosy, looking for what is truly right for me, not just any old thing... How does that come across? I call up the employer, and have a good chat with a couple of the staff on the team. It's the most assertive and enjoyable job-related phone conversation I've ever had. I get a really good feeling off them. I don't take the job - I don't have the skills and experience they need.

I walk away feeling great. I've made the right decision, for the right reasons. I've not been desperate, I've not sold my soul for a paycheque, I've not conned myself with long-term strategic rationalisations, I've not pretended to be something I'm not.

My 20s hae been all about striving and pretending. I'd like to start just doing and being.