An Essay On Gumption

Something I've lacked, so far, is gumption. I've always been an agreeable sort of a person; sensible, hardworking, and conscientious. Particularly in my younger days, I also had dogged endurance in spades. I got through 13 years of schooling using an unsurpassable 'keep your head down' approach, despite being in a relentless state of fear and dread for most of it. I didn't skive, I didn't rebel, I never scrapped, and I did fine academically. I hated nearly every minute of it, but I endured it steadily and unquestioningly, and most of all, I never ever let on.

I'm now into my 30s, and while I've seen my endurance skills falter, I continue to play my cards so close to my chest that no-one else would even know I was in the game! It uses a lot of concentration, energy and strategy to be on the defensive as much as I am. I quake at the thought of exposure, I can't bear to let people know my dreams, because I hate it when I'm either cautioned against being 'reckless' or I'm mocked or criticised for being 'unrealistic.' And I definitely cringe at the thought of the chorus of 'I told you so' if it all goes wrong. That is why I am an avid reader of the Hobopoet - because reckless and unrealistic is what it's all about.

The satisfaction, excitement, focus and fulfilment I found while away travelling was a revelation. But to keep doing it, to pursue it onwards - that's going to take gumption. I'm still keeping it all under wraps because I'm not ready to hear what friends or family might say. I don't want the wind taken out of my sails, unless I know I can propel myself on regardless.

But wouldn't it all be so much easier if I was upfront about it all? So friends and family would know where I was coming from, and where I was trying to go? So I wouldn't have to put so much energy into covering my tracks and minimising my real emotional investment. It's hard work pretending I don't care, when really my dreams are consuming my every waking moment I feel so passionate and inspired by them.

I'm not going to achieve the life I'm dreaming of by continuing the pretence that all I am and all I want conforms with the daily grind.