Do We Sabotage Our Own Dreams?

I came back from my travels last year, excited. I'd had a glorious year of running and travel - a combination that rocked my world.  I couldn't wait to get stuck in to doing more of the same in my home country. Have you seen what Scotland looks like?! We may not get the weather, but oh my god, we have got the terrain for trail-running.  My head was full of dreams for all the great things I'd do, building on the things I learned while I was away.

But the running has not really taken off since my return. Its sort of limped and faltered. I've chugged out a few short runs per week, doing circuits of the park that barely meet the minimum to keep my body ticking over. Sure it's been good, its very rare for such a thing as a 'bad run' to occur. But, now that I think about it, its been a lot of years, like 10 perhaps, since I've run so little or so poorly.  My dreams, that I'd made part of my everyday life while I was away, seemed inapplicable and unobtainable back in my home country and my ordinary life.

What's that all about? Yes, I've had an injury to contend with, but that didn't happen till January. What was going on between August and December?

There was a poor adjustment to being back in 'normal life.' Let's face it, full-time work, urban living, long commutes snarled up in rush-hour traffic? They cannot compete with a life on the road, where your time is your own, the national parks have paths that lead toward heaven, the sun always shines, and the priority for each day is: where shall I run and how far do I feel like going? I got fed up and despondent about that.

I've had to hand back a certain amount of autonomy to my employer and other authorities. I've had to compromise on values that while I was away, I could live my life by. Things around travel and transport, recycling and waste, time and efficiency, functionality versus 'keeping up appearances'. This has made me feel conflicted inside.

I've also had a shift in focus, getting really into political, economic, environmental and ideological debates. I've gotten very focused on the systems that limit and crush people and their potential. I've been angered by our wage-slave society, our over-work cultures, our misplaced priorities. And I've tried to make something of the alternatives, to explore other ways of living (and making a living) so that both my own and others' futures don't need to be so restricted. I've had my ups and downs with that side of things.

I've often felt frustrated, disappointed in myself, and sabotaged since my return to the UK. I've also been getting flabby and weak. But, today I wonder...

Has it been 'society' that has sabotaged my dreams? Or has it been me?

One thing I need to remember; there's always a choice.